A Reminder before we begin:
I'm a fiction writer. Why I post these is for other writers, and to keep them in a place I can find them easy — because I use these all the time to help develop character personality types and Passive/Aggressive is useful in many ways for secondary characters. I've yet to use it for MCs. It would be an excellent addition for character arch. The trait is easy to recognize as well, adding to the immersion experience for the reader. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some a brilliant but don't believe it. Some are back-stabbing little dweebs who are just trying to get a little closer to your back.
So, have fun and let's get started.
PASSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs.
After the outburst, however, they may feel shame, guilt, and confusion, so they return to being passive.
Passive communicators will often:
- fail to assert for themselves
- allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on their rights
- fail to express their feelings, needs, or opinions
- tend to speak softly or apologetically
- exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture
The impact of a pattern of passive communication is that these individuals:
- often feel anxious because life seems out of their control
- often feel depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless
- often feel resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met
- often feel confused because they ignore their own feelings
- “I’m unable to stand up for my rights.”
- “I don’t know what my rights are.”
- “I get stepped on by everyone."
- “I’m weak and unable to take care of myself.”
- “People never consider my feelings.”
2. AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION
Aggressive communicators will often:
- try to dominate others
- use humiliation to control others
- criticize, blame, or attack others
- be very impulsive
- have low frustration tolerance
- speak in a loud, demanding, and overbearing voice
- act threateningly and rudely
- not listen well
- interrupt frequently
- use “you” statements
- have an overbearing or intimidating posture
The impact of a pattern of aggressive communication is that these individuals:
- become alienated from others
- alienate others
- generate fear and hatred in others
- always blame others instead of owning their issues, and thus are unable to mature
The aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m superior and right and you’re inferior and wrong.”
- “I’m loud, bossy and pushy.”
- “I can dominate and intimidate you.”
- “I can violate your rights.”
- “I’ll get my way no matter what.”
- “You’re not worth anything.”
- “It’s all your fault.”
- “I react instantly.”
- “I’m entitled.”*
- “You owe me.”
- “I own you.”
3. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way. People who develop a pattern of passive-aggressive communication usually feel powerless, stuck, and resentful – in other words, they feel incapable of dealing directly with the object of their resentments. Instead, they express their anger by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments.Passive-Aggressive communicators will often:
- mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue
- have difficulty acknowledging their anger
- use facial expressions that don't match how they feel - i.e., smiling when angry
- use sarcasm
- deny there is a problem
- appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy and disrupt
- use subtle sabotage to get even
The impact of a pattern of passive-aggressive communication is that these individuals:
- become alienated from those around them
- remain stuck in a position of powerlessness (like POWs)
- discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed so they can't mature
The passive-aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate, and disrupt.”
- “I’m powerless to deal with you head on so I must use guerilla warfare.”
- “I will appear cooperative but I’m not.”
4. ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. These individuals value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.Assertive communicators will:
- state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- use “I” statements
- communicate respect for others
- listen well without interrupting
- feel in control of self
- have good eye contact
- speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
- have a relaxed body posture
- feel connected to others
- feel competent and in control
- not allow others to abuse or manipulate them
- stand up for their rights
The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:
- feel connected to others
- feel in control of their lives
- are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
- create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature
The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:
- “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
- “I am confident about who I am.”
- “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
- “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
- “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
- “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
- “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
- “I respect the rights of others.”
- “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
- “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.”
