Transcript of Jim Jefferies Freedum 2016 Stand-up Special
Thank you. Oh, my God. Sit down. [audience continues cheering] All right. Get down, get down. We got jokes to tell. Come on. [chuckles] All right, let’s start this shit.
Bill Cosby. [audience laughing]
Now, I don’t know if you get all the news here in Nashville… but I may say something that’s very upsetting to many of you. It turns out that Bill Cosby is a rapist. [audience laughing]
I know. I always used to watch him on the telly as a kid, and I always used to think to myself… “Ah, I bet he doesn’t rape.” But… [audience laughing]
I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong again, ’cause it turns out that his favorite thing is rape. He fucking loves raping people.
Now, think about your favorite thing. You might be into sports, gardening, golf. I don’t know what the fuck you’re into. Now think about it. Now replace it… with rape. [audience laughing]
And that’s how Bill Cosby feels all day, every day.
Now, I did this routine in Australia, and they wrote a horrible review of the show. And I hate that people forget that I’m a comedian and that I’m joking. But I have to do this little public service announcement before I do this routine. [breathes deeply]
I believe, in many ways, rape is wrong. [audience laughing]
I believe, when possible, you should always avoid raping people. If you leave the show this evening, and you’re thinking about raping someone, Jim Jefferies says no. [audience cheering and applauding]
But Bill Cosby wouldn’t listen to me, would he? Fuck! ‘Cause he fucking loves raping.
Sixty women have come forward. Sixty women. It’s a big number, isn’t it? Sixty.
Actually, a little bit too big. The real number is 52. But I can say what I want up here, so I just rounded it up to 60. Who gives a fuck, right? Plus, I’m of the opinion, after you rape 20, same prison time, keep raping, I say.
So… Seventy women have come forward, all right?
What happened is, your Whoopi Goldbergs of this world, when the accusations first came out, they were like, “Oh, I don’t know if I believe all these women. They’re trying to ruin his legacy, or some bullshit like that.”
‘Cause these rapes happened in the ’70s and the ’80s, and they said, “What took these women so long to come forward?”
It’s a good question. I think it’s because, as rapes go… they weren’t the worst rapes, now, were they? He never held them down and fucking raped them. He used to drug them and finger them a bit.
And I’ve had worse Christmases with uncles. What I’m trying to say is this. If I was ever going to be raped, I’d like to be raped by Bill Cosby. [audience laughing]
‘Cause I’ve been such a big fan of his for so many years, it would just be wonderful to meet him. How else would I get to meet him, you know? Of course, you know, we’re in the same business. Comedy. [audience laughing]
So anyway, he’d drug the girls’ drinks and they’d pass out. Now, I don’t know the plight of the attractive female. I don’t know the hell they go through on a daily basis. But I do know this. If someone drugged my drink, I would take it as a compliment. I’d be in the bar going, “I’m getting sleepy. Who likes me? Who is it?”
So he drugs the drink, and then you pass out for about four hours, then you wake up and you’re like, “What the fuck happened?” And the first thing you would see is that hysterical face of his. And he’d have a couple of fingers in you. And he’d be going… [imitating Bill Cosby] “With the fingering, and the drugging, and the raping and the fingering.”
Tell me your first reaction wouldn’t be laughter. You’d be driving home before the fingering upset you. You’d be in your car going, “Bill Cosby! That was really something! No, he shouldn’t have fingered me. That was wrong.”
Now… I did that comedy routine, which is… I was joking just then. I did that in Australia, and they wrote a very nasty article about me with the headline, “You Cannot Joke About Rape.” – [grunts] – [audience laughing]
Turns out you can. I just fucking did it. And I think we can all agree that I nailed it. [audience cheering and applauding]
You can joke about anything. A joke doesn’t mean intent. It doesn’t mean you’ve actually done it. What this lady did was she wrote an article about me, and she did a transcript of the actual routine in the article, wrote down every word I said. Now, I hate this. And I’ll tell you why. Because my whole skill in life is being able to say horrible things and still seem likable. [audience laughing]
You take the whole… [grunts] out of it. See, if you read my material… it’s a bad read. [audience laughing]
If you just read, “As rapes go, they weren’t…” “Oh, my God!” See, then she started to write and say things like, “It is Jim Jefferies’ opinion that women should be happy when they’re drugged.”
Not my opinion. It was a joke I said, not my opinion. Not something that I think, something that I think is funny. There is a big fucking difference between things that I think and things that I think are funny to say. If you wanna know, my actual opinion is this. I don’t wanna be raped by Bill Cosby. [audience laughing]
He’s a horrible fucking man and should go to prison. That’s what my real opinion is. But if I came out and said that, you’d go, “Oh, Jim’s lost his edge.” [audience laughing]
See, people started protesting in front of the show, and people stopped showing up. Even though the shows were sold out because I was being deemed a rapist or something. Yeah, okay. You know who never had someone protest their gigs because of their material? Bill Cosby!
‘Cause you gotta give it to Bill. What a dignified man.
He never said the swear words. He never lowered himself… to my level. What a class act he is. [audience cheering and applauding] ‘Cause that’s why people went to see Bill Cosby, ’cause they wanted to see a good, clean, wholesome comedian… who rapes… rather than a person like myself, who is just going to say horrible things… and rapes very occasionally, like, hardly…
I also got backlash for my last special, BARE, which is also on Netflix. [stutters]
I did a lot of misogynistic jokes on that special. I’m not gonna hide behind it. I said a lot of misogynistic things on BARE, and I got a lot of complaint letters. And, look, I find it weird because…
BARE was my fifth special, and I feel like I’ve been misogynistic on all my specials… and I haven’t gotten a complaint letter till now. It just proves that, with women, you really have to fucking repeat yourself before they’ll listen. [audience applauding]
I… I’ll defend a misogynistic joke as I defended the rape joke, as I’ll defend any jokes. It’s… I’m joking. This is a performance. I’m an entertainer. This isn’t a TED Talk. You’re not meant to take any of this fucking seriously.
The only time the hate mail bothers me… is when it’s directed at my girlfriend or they write to her directly, the mother of my child. People will write to her on Twitter or whatever, and say, “You have no self-respect going out with Jim Jefferies.” And I hate that. ‘Cause she knows that. She… She doesn’t need you people bothering her. She has fucking chores to do.
Now… [audience laughing]
I got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for six weeks. I feel… Yeah, no, it’s not good, six weeks. I think she wants to get married, and the reason I think that is ’cause she says that a lot.
And I don’t want to get married. Everyone in my life is pressuring me into getting married. I hate when my mother rings me up and goes, “Why don’t you marry the girl? You have a child with her.”
And I’m like, “Yeah, I’ve got a kid. An 18-year commitment. I’ve signed onto that like a bad fucking phone contract.”
I’m a great dad. I got 15 years left, then I’m fucking off. But marriage is until death. It’s a shit contract. Hundred years ago, the life expectancy of an American was 52. Now it’s 83. Fuck that! [audience laughing]
I’ve got a life to live! If I was gonna die at 52, sure, let’s have some company.
I would have got married in the Dark Ages, when 50% of women died during childbirth. I would have rolled the dice on that bad boy. But she works out every day and she eats kale just to spite me.
Six weeks, she got pregnant. Six weeks! I feel like I missed out on something. Six weeks is very quick to get pregnant.
I missed out on the new girlfriend. The new girlfriend’s the best time of your life. That first three months of the new boyfriend or girlfriend, the new relationship, where the person’s fucking perfect. And you’re like, “Oh, my God… I love this person.”
After a month, you’re like, “This…” You’re drinking with her like, “She’s drinking beer. Do you wanna watch Star Wars?” And she’s like, “I do.” And you’re like, “Fucking hell!”
Yeah, and she’s getting along with your friends. Your mother’s like, “I think she’s the one.” You go, “I think she’s the one as well.”
‘Cause women can hold the psycho down for three months. For three months, they can walk around like a functioning member of society.
Showing up at your work parties and not crying.
At three months and one day, you come out of the shower, and she’s huddled over your phone like Gollum. Just… [audience laughing]
So I went from the new girlfriend, best feeling in the world, to dating a pregnant chick.
Now, no one has ever said this and never recorded anything like this. No one’s ever said it in a public forum. But the pregnant are the worst people on Earth. [audience laughing]
For some reason, society has told us that they have some type of glow or some shit.
The pregnant are a bunch of cunts, the pregnant. [audience cheering]
They… They cry when they’re happy, when they’re sad. You don’t know what fucking cry… And you ever tried fighting with a pregnant person in a public place? [exclaims] [audience laughing]
Doesn’t matter how right you are.
Me and Kate, she was seven months pregnant, were walking around the supermarket, right? Walking around… and I got some Coco Pops to put in the trolley.
Now, you call them Cocoa Krispies in this country. How different our cultures are.
And… I put the Coco Pops in the shopping cart. “Trolley.” And, uh… And Kate picked them up and put them back on the shelf.
It was very confusing ’cause I’d never seen Coco Pops go in the opposite direction. [audience laughing]
And my brain skipped a bit, and I went, “Uh…” [exhales] “I think you made a mistake there, Kate.” And I went to get them back, and she goes, “You’re not having them.” And I went, “But I… I always have them.” And she went, “You’re getting fat.” [audience laughing]
So I did my drop-the-mic moment. I picked up the Coco Pops and went… And she snapped and went, “Do you want me to lose this baby?”
And I went, “Um, fuck, that was quick! Of course I do. You’re a fucking nightmare!”
You ever been in a bar at 4:00 a.m., talking to some guy, and he’s telling you how shitty his life is? And he’s like, “My dad, my dad’s an asshole. Didn’t even know my dad. Walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me.” And I used to think, “What a dick.” And now I’m like… [grunts] [audience laughing]
“I’m sure he had his reasons. Who am I to judge, eh?”
So she gets pregnant.
We got to go to these baby classes. We go to baby classes at the hospital, where they teach you how to put nappies on and shit. And you swaddle. You’ve got [stutters] the dummy, and you swaddle it. And then the lady goes, “That’s a good swaddle.” And you go, “I thought it was. I’ve been practicing.”
Most of it’s watching videos from the ’80s. They put on actual videos. You’re meant to watch and learn how to parent.
One of the videos we watched was called Don’t Shake the Baby. Don’t Shake the Baby is 40 minutes long. You don’t need to watch Don’t Shake the Baby. All the information you need is in the title. Who picks up a copy of Don’t Shake the Baby and thinks to themselves, “Oh… maybe there’s more to this. [stutters]
But what if I’m really angry? What if I’m shaking my wife and she’s holding the baby?”
The course was basically a Tupperware party. Trying to sell us shit. And we bought a car seat, and a stroller, and this thing you put the bottle in that steams and sterilizes it.
If you don’t have the steamy, sterilizey machine, you gotta boil the bottles, and that’s a pain in the ass.
All right, here’s a tip. You don’t have to sterilize baby bottles. I stopped sterilizing Hank’s bottles after two days. I told Kate I was still doing it. But I wasn’t. And I’ll tell you why. Because 80% of the time, he’s being breast-fed. And we never sterilize those tits. We never had a special steamy, cleany machine for the tits.
In fact, for the first three weeks after the birth, her cunt was all fucked up, so I used to jack off on the tits. And he’d wake up – and have a midnight feeding. – [audience laughing]
And what I’m saying is, no one’s dead, are they? Like… Sure, he gets cold sores and whatnot. But… he’s different. He’s a unique little boy. Leave him alone!
So anyway… when you impregnate a person that you don’t know particularly well, sometimes, when it comes to parenting, you’re not on the same page.
So me and Kate were watching 60 Minutes, or 20/20 or something, and they were doing a story on vaccination, and I turned to Kate and said, “People who don’t vaccinate their kids are a pain in the ass.”
And Kate said, “Hank’s not vaccinated.” And I went, “Oh, fuck.” You know when someone says something and your brain goes, “That’s gonna take up a lot of your time”?
‘Cause the dynamic of our relationship is this. I go on the road and tell jokes to make the family money. She’s meant to stay home and make sure that Hank doesn’t die. And, between me and you, I think she’s doing a shit job.
And I said, “Why isn’t he vaccinated?” And she goes, “I think it leads to autism.”
And I went, “Oh, what medical evidence do you have that it leads to autism?” And she said, “Jenny…” And I said, “Don’t even fucking say ‘McCarthy.’ Don’t even say it, ’cause that’s not evidence, that’s Jenny McCarthy.
I have nothing against the woman. She’s a comedian and a Playmate. They’re my two favorite types of people. But I don’t get my medical advice from them. It’s one of my things.”
And she went, “But her son’s autistic.” And I went, “Is he? Is he really? Or is he just Jenny McCarthy’s kid?” [audience cheering]
All right. “Did we expect a member of Mensa to fall out of that woman?” And she said, “What difference does it make? No one gets smallpox. No one gets polio.”
It’s frustrating when they say that, because you’re like, [mockingly] “Because of fucking vaccination.” [normal voice] I said, “And furthermore, my mother had polio.”
That’s true, Gunta had polio. My mother can work polio into any conversation. You’ll be having dinner with my mother and she’ll go, “Ah… maybe I will have some chocolate cake. ‘Cause I couldn’t when I was young. I had polio.”
I believe that my mother secretly loves the fact that she had polio, ’cause polio does a lot of heavy lifting for her shit personality. [audience laughing]
Anyway, so we fought, and we fought, and we fought, and I didn’t win. Can’t win every argument. Hank’s not getting vaccinated. So cut to three weeks later, we’re doing Season 2 of Legit, and I had to do a medical… – [man whistles] – Oh, thank you. [audience applauding]
Um… I think we were the only ones who liked it. I, uh… We’re doing Season 2 of Legit, and the network are trying to insure me for $8 million. That’s how much a season costs. So I have to do a studio physical. And they’re insuring me in case I die, ’cause the show would’ve ended. Or if I got some mental problem and started stabbing people. That would also be a problem.
It’s like a three-hour physical. I’m jogging on treadmills, and psychological tests… I’m jogging on this treadmill with all these things on me and this tube coming out of my mouth. I get off, and the doctor’s writing something down. And I thought, “I’ll slip it into conversation,” and I went, “Hey. It’s, um… It’s not that important to vaccinate kids, is it?”
And she went, “Only if you want them to live.” Right? [chuckling] She didn’t even look up, right?
And I said, “Are you serious?” And she goes, “Let me put it this way. I would not let my children play with an unvaccinated child.”
So I thought, “That’s all the information I need.” So behind Kate’s back… and this is super illegal… and involves forging her signature three times… I booked Hank in to get all of his shots on one day, which the doctor didn’t recommend, but I’m a busy guy. [audience laughing]
Now, I was about to come home to pick up Hank to take him to get his vaccination shots. I knew that Kate was going to be home with Hank, so I knew we were about to have the biggest fight ever. You know when you’re about to fight with your partner, but they don’t know you’re about to have a fight, so you have the upper hand? So what you do is, you think horrible shit about that person all day, so in case they cry, you can enjoy yourself. [audience laughing]
No matter what happens, I will always say this. Kate is the nicest human being I have ever met. For niceness, I can’t fault her. [stutters] She is just a good soul. She only sees the good in people. She will never say a bad word about another human being. And… so it’s weird.
So I’m driving home, I’m trying to think bad thoughts about the nicest person on Earth, and it’s really difficult. So I’m in my car like, “Fucking Kate. Who the fuck does she think she is, fucking… keeping the house nice? Fucking bitch. She left that plate in the sink. That was a fucking nightmare. I remember that. Oh, no, that was me. I did that. But she cleaned it up, and that’s enabling, and that’s fucking bullshit right there.”
So I came back just fucking steaming. “All right, here we fucking go. Game’s on.”
I come home, she’s sitting down, lovingly playing with our child, and she looks up and she goes, “Hey, honey!” And I went, “Don’t… fucking ‘honey’ me!” And she said, “What’s wrong?”
And I said, “I’ll tell you what’s right! Hank’s getting vaccinated today, and there’s nothing you can do!” And I pick up Hank, and she starts screaming. He’s one, so he’s super attached to his mother. And he’s like, “Mummy, Mummy!” I’m like, “Your mum can’t fucking help you now!” [audience laughing]
I go out to where the car’s parked. I throw him in. I’m doing him up in his seat. Kate comes out and she starts slapping my back. I’m like, “Get the fuck off me!” She dramatically falls to the ground. I look up, and two of the neighbors are out of their houses. They’re quintessentially watching me kidnap a child and beat up my girlfriend. [audience laughing]
And I’m too far gone now, so I doubled down and went, “Get back in your fucking houses!” Then I put him in his seat. I got in the driver’s seat and I fucking fishtailed out of there. And Kate’s on her knees and she screams out, “Fine! But if he becomes autistic, it’s on you!”
And I thought, “Would she consider that a win?” So anyway… I take Hank off. I get him all of his shots. I bring him home. And he’s definitely autistic now. [audience laughing]
It’s like night and day, like, the kid before the shots and the kid after… Before the shots, he was this lively kid, afterwards, I brought him home, he’s sitting in the corner, going… [screaming] And I’m like, “Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh… Oh, Kate’s gonna notice this.” [audience laughing]
And so, I did whatever I did when I knew I was in trouble. I lie. So I put Hank in a BabyBjörn. He’s hanging off me like… [screams] hanging off my chest. ‘Cause I couldn’t let him have alone time with Kate, ’cause Kate would see it right away.
I know what you’re thinking. I couldn’t keep that up forever. But I did have a plan. What I was gonna do was, right, I was gonna stand near a door that I knew Kate was gonna come through.
“Look what you did!” Like that. Okay, so anyway, I am making light of a situation… that was… it was horrible, man. [stutters] It’s nice to make jokes about it now, but at the time I was distraught. I didn’t sleep for three days. I couldn’t eat. My brain was on a loop. I was so wired… I was rocking back and forth.
“Your kid’s autistic. It’s all your fault.” [mumbles] So anyway, cut to three days later. I go to the doctor to get the results of my physical, and Hank’s dangling off me. [groans] And… the doctor comes in and goes, “How are we today, Mr. Jefferies?”
And I said, “Not good. [stutters] You told me to vaccinate Hank. You said, ‘Vaccinate kid, good.’ But this is not good. [stutters] This used to be a good kid. Look at this. Fucking shit kid.” [audience laughing]
And she goes, “Can you calm down?” I said, “No, I can’t, I haven’t slept for three days. I’m wired, my brain’s on a loop, and I can’t turn it off… because my kid’s autistic. It’s all my fault. [repeating] My kid’s autistic. It’s all my fault. My kid’s autistic. It’s all my fault.” [breathes heavily]
And she looked at my chart and said, “Now… you know that you have a tendency to overreact because you’re on the spectrum.”
“You fucking what, when?”
“You know, how you have little empathy, you don’t listen when others talk, and you don’t make eye contact.”
“I’ve heard about the eye contact.”
She goes, “There’s nothing wrong with Hank. He’s just drugged out right now. You gave him all of his shots in one day, which I didn’t recommend.” [audience laughing]
Now… [audience applauding] It’s true that the next day, Hank was back to his normal self. There’s nothing wrong with Hank. But it turns out that I’m autistic. [audience laughing]
I don’t know. I don’t know if I believe it, ’cause the spectrum is very broad. Like, 1% to Ben Carsons or something. – Uh… – [audience laughing]
So I don’t know. I think a lot of times, people just diagnose personalities. I’m a bit of a dick. Can’t we just… [chuckles]
But it’s weird. I was 36 when they told me that. It’s weird when you find out that you’re autistic at 36. ‘Cause it’s big news for me. [belches] And then I rang up everyone I knew and told them, and no one was surprised. [audience laughing]
I rang up me mum, and I left a message on her voice machine like this, “Mum, you gotta call me back! I have the biggest news ever!”
And my mum rang me back and went, “You’re getting married.”
And I went, “No! I’m autistic!”
And she went, “Oh, everyone knows you’re autistic. It’s not that bad. When I was a child, I had polio.” [audience laughing]
Hank, though… Hank… Hank’s a smart kid. I think he’s smart, ’cause he’s the only kid I know. [stutters]
I don’t hang out with other kids. He’s just turned three, but when he was two, we put him into school.
When he was two, my friends used to come over all the time, and I was such a proud father that I’d be like, “Hank’s a genius.”
They’re like, “How do you know?” I’m like, “What’s that?” Hank would go, “Red fire truck.”
I’d be like, “Damn fucking straight, it’s a red fire truck. I taught him that, ‘Red fire truck.'”
Anyway, we put him into this preschool for two-year-olds. It was a fancy one in Hollywood. It costs a lot of money, but the school is kind of cool. They teach him how to swim. They toilet train him. They got this great big turtle that walks amongst the kids like a shitty Jurassic Park.
And on the first day, we went there to meet the other parents, the teachers, and the other students and everything.
So I show up early. Me and Hank at the school. And we got there early, like an hour before everyone else. And we’re there, the turtle walks by, I’m with Hank, and I went, “Hank, that’s a turtle. Can you say ‘turtle’?” And then this kid walks up and goes, “Hi, I’m Simon.”
“All right. Hello, Simon.” And he goes, “Actually, I’m Simon III. I’m the third Simon. My dad’s a Simon. His dad’s a Simon, that’s my grandfather. So, one, two, three, third Simon.”
“When I grow up, I wanna be a baseball player. I can’t decide which team because Mum likes the Angels and Dad likes the Dodgers. So, there’s a bit of conflict at home.”
“How old are you, Simon?” Simon did not give me his age. Simon gave me his date of birth. And it turned out that Simon was three months younger than Hank. And I turned and I looked at my fucking idiot son. [audience laughing]
And Hank went, “Turtle!” [audience laughing]
And I said, “Yes, Hank, that’s a turtle.” And then Simon went… “That’s a tortoise.” [audience laughing]
I didn’t know that before. Turns out that tortoises just live on the land, and turtles live in the water and on the land. Simon taught me that! [audience laughing]
See, one of my old jokes has come back to haunt me. If you’re a dumb cunt… [audience laughing]
[audience cheering] …and your wife or your husband is a dumb cunt… guess what your fucking kids are?
Let’s just say that Kate’s not a scientist. See, I go to these school events and I meet the other parents, and I get intimidated when I meet educated people ’cause I’m not super educated. So, whenever I meet this guy, Simon II, that fucking cunt, right? Simon III’s dad.
He’s a thoracic surgeon and his wife’s a pediatrician. And I’m chatting to the fucking Simons, right? And I can’t keep up with the conversation, but I don’t wanna sound dumb, so I just say shit.
We’re talking about politics or something, and I just went, just trying to keep up, I went, “Ah… I reckon they should try to catch that Benghazi guy.” [audience laughing]
And then, everyone looks at me like I’m an idiot, and I went… And Simon II goes, “Jim, I didn’t catch… What do you do for a living there, Jim?”
And I went, “Um… I’m a comedian.” And he goes, “Oh, me and my wife, we just love comedy. We’d love to catch one of your shows sometime.”
“You wouldn’t like it…” [audience laughing]
He goes, “What type of comedy do you do?” “Um…” [huffs] “Like, um…” [sighs] “I say ‘cunt’ more than anyone else. – I… – [audience cheering]
I… I’m sort of known for saying ‘cunt.’
Seven years ago, when I did my first comedy special in America, the word ‘cunt’ was banned in every comedy club in America, and then I said ‘cunt’ loads on television, and now, people can say ‘cunt’ in comedy clubs. So, I’m… [audience cheering and applauding]
Basically… basically, I’m the Rosa Parks of ‘cunt.'” [audience laughing and cheering] [chuckles]
Now, at this school, they do toilet train him, right? But I’m not happy, ’cause it’s just female staff and they’re teaching every child to do sit-down wees. It’s all right for the girls, but the boys should do a stand-up wee. They shouldn’t be doing sit-down wees.
Now, I like a sit-down wee as much as the next man… but there is a place and a time for it. These are the only times you should do sit-down wees.
You always have to be at your house. You can’t do it in other people’s houses. It’s weird. You have to be at your house and drunk. And then you’ll be like, “Oh, I’m gonna have a lovely sit-down wee. Oh, yeah, I’ll… I’ll treat meself. Whoa.” [chuckles]
“I’ll go back downstairs in a second. I won’t fall asleep. Stay awake. Come on, have a little sit-down wee.” And the other time you can have a sit-down wee is if you wake up in the middle of the night and you wanna go to the toilet, but you don’t wanna turn the light on because it’ll hurt your eyes and you’ll wake up too much. [audience applauding]
So, what you do is, out of respect, so you don’t piss everywhere, you have a sit-down wee. And that’s always a sleepy… “All right, you lovely wee.” And because you’re sitting, sometimes your asshole goes, – “Are we pooing?” – [audience laughing]
And you’re like, “No, we’re not pooing. We’re just having a sit-down wee. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, I thought we were pooing.” “No, no, no. We’ll see you in the morning, asshole.” [chuckling]
And I want him to be good at the sit-down wee. It’s important to me. Because…
Do you remember when you were about seven? A weirdly sort-of-old-age like seven, and all the boys at school would go to have a piss. They’d walk up, and undo their belt, undo their fly, pull out their dick, and have a piss. And then there was that one kid, for whatever reason, had to have his pants and his underwear down by his ankles. [audience laughing and applauding]
And he’d stand there with his asshole hanging out of the bottom of his shirt. “This is how I’ve always done it.” [chuckles] Yeah, Hank, he got toilet-trained just under the wire, ’cause he’s three now, and he got toilet-trained just before his birthday.
You wanna be toilet-trained before you turn three. After that, it gets weird.
There’s people in the crowd who have a 4-year-old who isn’t toilet-trained. And you’re feeling shame right now, I know, ’cause I have friends with 4-year-olds…
See, this is the rule in life. You’re allowed to shit your pants in the first and the last three years of your life. Everything else gets odd, right?
Now, a 4-year-old shouldn’t be shitting their pants ’cause you can have a conversation with a 4-year-old. And you should never be able to have a conversation with someone who’s shitting their pants.
So my mates are over my house. I’ve got pinball machines. We’re playing pinball, and his son walks up, and, dead set, this was the conversation. His son walks up like this. “Hey, Dad. You’re gonna have to change me, mate. I just shit my pants.” [audience laughing]
And the dad was so embarrassed, he was like, “Don’t! Stop that! Oh! Can you please stop shitting your pants?” And the son responded like this… “Are we gonna have this argument every time?” [audience laughing]
So I went to Kate, ’cause he was about to turn three, and I said, “Kate, Hank’s gotta stop shitting his pants.”
So, she read a book, and comes to me with this information. “You have to start shitting in front of Hank.”
And I went, “I don’t wanna shit in front of Hank. What have I gotta shit in front of Hank for?”
She goes, “It says in the book that he’s a caveman, if he’s left to his own devices, he’ll shit in his hand and chuck it at us.” [audience laughing]
And she goes, “He’s like, ‘Monkey see, monkey do.’ He’s gotta see someone using the seat. He’s gotta see someone using the toilet paper…” You know, that type of stuff.
And I said, “Why don’t you shit in front of Hank?”
She goes, “He has to see the cock and balls, or he’ll get confused.”
For a while there, I was shitting in front of Hank.
Man, it was a big adjustment for me. ‘Cause my shits used to be these quiet, dignified affairs. I’d be watching the TV, I’d feel a shit come on… [audience laughing]
I’d leave to the bathroom… I’d have my shit, I’d come back into the living room, and nine times out of ten, I wouldn’t even tell anyone where I’d been. [audience laughing]
But then, my shits became like family events. I’d feel a shit come on… “All right, everyone! Daddy’s got a shit in the chamber! Who wants to come and see a professional at work?”
Anyway, I chickened out of it for like two weeks. I wouldn’t shit in front of Hank. Then, I got the guts.
So me and Kate are watching TV. The TV is there. We’re on the couch. Hank’s over there playing with his toys. And I feel a shit come on. [audience chuckling]
“I’ve got one.” And she said, “I think it’s time.” [whispers] “Okay.” [normal voice] “G’day, mate. You’re coming with me.”
And we went into the toilet, and I shut the door, and I pulled me pants and me underwear down. Now, he knew it wasn’t a normal day. [audience laughing]
He looked very upset. And I’m fucking autistic. [scattered applause] Neither of us were making eye contact. We were both…
So I thought, “I better get down to business.” And I looked at him, I said, “Oh, all right, son… first things first. You gotta tuck your cock and balls between your legs so that your penis is facing downwards. Because where there is poo, there will always be wee. Now, because you’re a Jefferies, we don’t have what they call ‘big penises.’ [audience laughing]
So, what you do is, you put your legs a little bit together like that… to stop your penis from popping back up. [chuckles] You’re seeing it, aren’t you? Yeah. You see how I look like Mummy now? Yeah, yeah.” [audience laughing]
Yeah, it’s funny, isn’t it? It’s funny. Yeah, yeah. You don’t know what I do for a living, son. You don’t know, but I tell jokes. I write jokes, you know. It’s always upset me that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never write anything as funny as a man putting his cock and balls between his legs… and saying, ‘I’m a lady, I’m a lady.’
In fact, if you’re ever at a party and you feel like things aren’t going your way… get behind a tree and take your pants and underwear off, tuck your cock and balls between your legs, and jump out at a woman and go, ‘I’m a lady!’ Like that.” [laughing] Yeah, yeah, it’s good. See? Well, you know, you’ll make more friends than you’ll lose.” [audience laughing]
Now… over the course of the last six to eight months, [stammers] my career has changed somewhat. Audiences have definitely changed.
It used to just be white guys the same age as me. Now, if you look around, it’s pretty 50-50, men and women. Age groups, races… It’s all changed. And all because of the gun control routine. So the gun control routine… [audience cheering] got… got seen on so many different platforms, and all this stuff, put up and taken down… that it’s actually been seen five times more than anything else I’ve done in my career. So I’m mostly known for that now.
Which is strange, ’cause people are coming onto the shows ’cause you’re hoping that I’ll do some political satire, or some social commentary or something Carlinesque… and how disappointing this evening’s performance must be. I just did 25 minutes on pooing. [audience laughing]
Now, the gun control routine has been shown in most news outlets. It was shown in the New Yorker as an article. It was shown in the Washington Post as an article. It was shown on CNN as news. And it was shown on Fox for different reasons. [audience laughing]
It’s also been… it’s also now shown to the law students in Yale. Like they’re meant to learn something or some shit.
Now, I appreciate all these things. It’s very nice. I don’t know if I deserve these accolades, or whatever the fuck they’re called, because, I’m gonna be honest with you… Um… I made some of the statistics up. All right! [stammering]
This isn’t real. Now, I made two things up.
Now, I stand by everything I said in the gun control routine, because most of the things I said were common sense about safes and the guns in Australia, and that was correct. I made two statistics up. Two little ones. So, I’m gonna fess up right now.
The first one is this. “If you have a gun, you’re 80% more likely to be shot by a gun.” I don’t know, maybe. [audience laughing]
That sounds like a thing, doesn’t it? And the other one was, uh… “The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero.”
It turns out that the average security guard in America earns $14 an hour. I’d like to apologize for those extra $2.
Now, it’s very weird ’cause, over the course of my 15-year career, I’ve said horrible things about religion. That if you are religious, you believe in God, that you’ve wasted your life. And over the course of 15 years, from religious groups, I have received seven pieces of hate mail. Seven. Very manageable. [audience laughing]
I write back. And I thought that religious people were the nuttiest cunts on the planet. And that was until I gave my opinion on the Second Amendment. Fuck me. [audience laughing]
I had no idea what crazy was [chuckling] until I fucking just poked that hornet’s nest with a stick. [grunts] “I got something to say.” Because on a quiet day, I receive 20 to 40 pieces of hate mail from gun people. On a quiet day. Keep up. – I, uh… – [audience laughing]
[scoffs] Twenty to forty pieces of hate mail, and it’s always the same. They always read exactly the same way, etcetera.
Now, I’m in a unique position. Because of the hate mail that I receive on a daily basis, because I’ve become the pinup boy for gun control… I can tell you, down to the hour, when an American gun owner is happy and when they’re sad. ‘Cause they don’t send me hate mail when they’re sad.
Like, when there’s a massacre in a school, it’s a very quiet day for me. Or some 4-year-old shoots their mum in the head, they’re like, [mumbling] “I’m not gonna write anything today.” But the day that I received the most amount of hate mail, when I received 782 pieces of hate mail, and it kind of sickened me a bit when it happened, was the day of the Paris shootings, where 128 people died.
And that, to a real fanatical gun person in America, that was the best day ever.
They were so happy because the French have extremely strict gun laws, and then people went and shot everyone. And so, I got letters that read like porn, like they were from Penthouse Forum. And every letter read the same way. Like, “See? It happens in every country. [audience laughing]
It’s not just us. It’s not just us. If they had more guns, maybe they could’ve protected themselves.” [audience cheering]
Now, I’m not going to get into another debate about whether they had guns or don’t have guns, ’cause this is all… No one knows. No one was in that situation. And then, some people went as far to say that I was a supporter of ISIS. – Now… – [audience laughing]
I don’t like ISIS. I hate ISIS as much as the next man. [loud cheering] Now… I’ll tell you the problem with ISIS. The problem with ISIS is… [audience laughing]
is… you never see them laughing. They’re not a jovial bunch. That’s what religion does.
Religious people are always miserable. [groaning] They’re just such miserable cunts, the ISIS. You never one of them…
When they do the videos before a beheading, and the guy is like, [mock Arabic accent] “Before I behead this man, a little bit about me… [audience laughing]
I, well, I like Muhammad. Oh, shit, fuck! I love Muhammad. I love… I enjoy beheading people, of course. I like beheading people. And, uh, I like the comedy of Aziz Ansari. I like it. [audience laughing]
I like Aziz. He’s a crazy guy with modern-day problems.” [normal voice]
Thank fuck the ISIS don’t drink! You don’t want drunk ISIS. You don’t want some cunt waking up with seven heads in his bed, like, “What the fuck did I do last night?” [audience laughing]
His friend comes in and goes, [mock Arabic accent] “You were so fucked up last night! We were out drinking, and by the way, I was joking… There was some guy doodling on a napkin, and I was like, ‘Hey, he’s drawing Muhammad,’ and you fucking lost your shit, man!” [normal voice]
So… politically, this country is in a very delicate situation at the moment. [chuckling] It could go either fucking way.
You got… you got two parties. You got the Democrats and Republicans. And all they do is talk about two subjects over and over again. As long as they talk about these two subjects, they’re fucking you up the ass with other things that you don’t notice because you’re so fucking… And the rest of the world isn’t as fixated…
Okay, two subjects. Abortion, guns. Abortion, guns. Right?
And so, the Democrats, they wanna have gun restrictions, and they don’t care about abortion.
And the Republicans, they hate abortion, and they love guns.
And so, we’ve got a problem here, right?
Because the Democrats are like, “Come on, you don’t need a machine gun, and you know you don’t. And if your dad fucks you, you don’t have to keep that. That’s cool.” [audience cheering]
And the Republicans are like, “All life is precious, unless it steps on my property.” [audience laughing]
And then… you got Donald Trump.
Now… every time I’ve recorded a special… The other specials I’ve recorded in America have been in New York, San Francisco and Boston. And everyone’s called me a fucking pussy… with my liberal agenda.
Well, I’m in fucking Nashville right now. [audience cheering] And if you wanna shoot me, now is the perfect time. [chuckling] There’s eight cameras on me. [audience laughing]
[man whoops] I think we’re good. I think we’re good.
Isn’t it sad that the country has gotten to the stage that when you buy theater tickets, you go, “Get ones in the aisle, so we can run”?
Everyone wanted to get the middle. We’re like, “No, you’re sitting ducks in the middle…”
So anyway, Donald Trump. Now, don’t get me wrong. He’s a lot of fun. [audience laughing]
And there’s a little bit of me… [stuttering] There’s a little bit of me that thinks… “Fuck it, let’s do it. [audience laughing]
Let’s do it and see how fucking crazy shit can get.” [audience laughing]
Because he’s just… because what happens is, he says really simple shit that means nothing, and then, fucking dummies… right? If you’ve ever said this sentence, “I like him because he’s a straight talker,” you’re as dumb as shit. [audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding] This…
Just because someone says something simple that you understand… doesn’t mean they’re a straight talker. You can say a complex thing and be telling the truth. But, because he goes, “I’m gonna make America great again.” And you’re like, “I got every word in that sentence.” [audience laughing]
He’s like, “I’m gonna build a wall.”
“I have a wall at home. You’re a straight talker.”
And then he just says shit… that… it won’t happen.
“Gonna build a wall and Mexico’s gonna pay for it.” Who…
I haven’t heard a Mexican yet go, “Ah, yeah, we got this.”
What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? That’s just saying shit. He’s like a kid running for class president, who’s just walking around, going, “And we’re gonna have two lunches. – And… – [audience cheering] there’s gonna be a soda machine in every classroom. Nashville football rules!”
But here’s where it doesn’t get fun. And that’s all. It’s good fun. But here’s where it’s not fun, right? What he does is, he preys on fear.
As soon as he… In the beginning, it was, “Oh, Mexicans, they’re coming over and raping.” And then there was a terrorist attack, and he went, “Oh, fuck, I’ll go after the Muslims. We should kill the families of Muslims.”
Which, by the way, you’re not allowed to do.
And then he started saying, after the Paris attacks, “We should put every Muslim on a register, and we shouldn’t let more refugees come from Syria, and the Muslims that live here on a register…” [stutters]
That means ISIS win.
As soon as he says that, ISIS have fucking won. Right? Because their plan to shoot people in Paris, that’s not their end plan. They didn’t kill 128 people and go, “Ah, well, that’s done.” You know what I mean? It’s a recruitment tool. And the recruitment tool can only work if hate is bred. Right?
What he does is, he says, “Oh, we’re gonna ban them. We’re not gonna let more in the country. The ones here have to be on a register.”
Now, you’re a 16-year-old boy or girl that’s a Muslim living in this country. You’ve lived your entire life in this country. You’ve always considered yourself American. Then all of a sudden, someone who could be your president says you are not welcome here and that you should be put on a register.
Now, that kid… How fucking quickly do you think that kid could be radicalized now?
Before, he wasn’t gonna be radicalized at all. [audience cheering and applauding]
So what he’s trying to do is, he’s trying to defeat hate with hate. And hate doesn’t beat hate. It’s never fucking beaten hate. It just makes more hate.
Now, this might be the most hippie thing that ever comes out of my mouth… but it’s true. The only thing that can beat hate is love. – Now, love doesn’t always beat hate, eh? – [audience cheering]
It doesn’t always beat hate, but it does do something. Right? Now, think about your own personal life. Think about a person who hates you and you hate them.
From now on, just show that person nothing but love. I’m not saying that that person will start loving you. They’ll probably still fucking hate you. But one thing will happen. Eventually, everyone will see them as the asshole.
Don’t be the asshole, America. Don’t be the asshole. [audience cheering and applauding] So… to summarize, you can only beat hate with love. Now, in saying that, I hate Muslims. [audience laughing]
Hang on, hang on. I didn’t finish me sentence. I hate Muslims, Christians, I hate the Amish, Buddhists, the snake people, Jews. I don’t know who I’ve missed here. Sikhs. I hate all.
Our fight in this world is not against Islam, it’s against religion. – Be very clear about this. – [audience cheering] ‘Cause I can tell you this for sure. No one’s head has ever been cut off in the name of atheism. No one has ever cut into human flesh, and looked on camera and gone, “In the name of nothing!” [audience laughing]
[audience cheering] Now, let me be clear about this. If you’re religious… Some of you might be very nice, but you’re slowing us down. [audience laughing]
We’re trying to move forward, and you’re in the fucking way. I’m sorry. See, there’s a lie that you’ll be told throughout your life that will go along the lines of this… “We have to save the planet.”
There’s no bigger lie than “we have to save the planet.” We don’t have to save the planet. We have to save us, the human race. The planet does not give a fuck about us, and it will be happy when we’re gone. [audience laughing]
We are in the planet’s way.
Have you seen those documentaries where they go, “This is what New York will look like one year after the human race dies,” and it’s all covered in vines and shit?
The planet wants us gone. As soon as we’re gone, the planet will go, “I’m gonna do dinosaurs again.”
Right? Like… So we have to save ourselves in spite of the planet trying to kick us the fuck off. Right?
Now, imagine that… the world is a train track and society is a train. As society has always had to do, the train has to move forward. ‘Cause if it stops moving forward, we’ll run out of resources around the train ’cause we’ll be stationary.
And the gears will lock up, and the vines will take over. So it has to keep going forward.
Now, in this train, we have the people in the engine room, who are running the show. And those people in our society who run the show are scientists. These are the people inventing medicines for you to live longer, and surgeries for you to live longer and finding alternative fuel sources. And engineers that are making machines that run more efficiently. Right?
Now, all those people are scientists.
Now, whether you like it or not, scientists are primarily atheists. And they’re in the front carriage, dragging us along. Now, in the second carriage, we have a bunch of cunts that I don’t think get fucking enough flak. Agnostics. These fucking wishy-washy fucks. [audience laughing]
They’re all standing around in the second carriage, going, “Who knows? Maybe there is a god. Maybe there isn’t a god. Maybe your god and your god are the same god, but… I know there was a Big Bang, but who made the Big Bang? I wouldn’t consider myself, you know, religious, but I am spiritual.”
And… then there’s this last carriage, and the last carriage is 50 times bigger than the other two carriages combined. And it’s carrying the rest of the population of the human race. And it’s filled with cunts wearing hats for reasons they don’t know and growing beards because they think they have to. Some of the women are covering their faces and cowering.
Everyone’s dancing around going, “Man on a cloud. Man on a cloud.” And there are so many of these cunts that the train is hardly fucking moving! And the people in the engine room are like this… [sighing] “If I just pull this peg here… [audience laughing]
[inaudible] do you know how fast we’d be moving?” [chuckles] Oh, well… I’m not gonna change people’s opinions, I guess. I don’t fucking…
Now… with the hate mail that I get from the guns, they always start the same way. It always makes me laugh. Every letter starts with, “Hey, buddy, you shouldn’t even say anything. You’re not from here.” [audience laughing]
That is the weakest argument ever. Okay, as Americans, from now on, don’t use that argument. All right? Because you’re Americans. It’s not like, historically, you’ve kept your opinions to yourself.
It’s not like I’ve ever been in a party in the UK and there’s an American guy there, and I’ve heard this sentence, “Jeez, he’s a quiet chap.” [audience laughing]
[chuckling] You’re the loudest people on Earth, so…
And then they always say this, and this fucking spins me out. “Well, I don’t expect an Australian to understand freedom.” [audience laughing]
What are you talking about? You constantly say “freedom” all the time, like you’re… “Oh, we’re so free. We fight for freedom. Freedom. Come to the freedom lounge at the airport.”
Like, fucking what? You know when you’re singing the national anthem at the baseball and the person holds the note “free” a little bit longer than they should, until all you Americans fucking come in your pants? ♪ For the land of the free ♪ [grunting] [audience laughing]
“We’re so free.” Freedom this, freedom that, free, free, free.
Now, I hate to break it to you, ’cause I don’t think you know this. [sighing]
There are 92 free countries on the planet. Democratic, free countries. You are one of them.
Every single English-speaking country on Earth is free, and most of the [clicks tongue] countries are also free.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Now, you’re very free. Don’t get upset. And I have a wonderful… I love America. I truly do. I live here and love it. I have nothing against… And none of the things I’m about to mention affect you… affect me in any way, right? You may not be the freest place on Earth. [audience laughing]
Just a quick example, out of the 92 free countries on the planet, you have the highest rate of incarceration. One percent of your adult population is in prison. That’s double that of the country that comes in second, which is South Africa. If you’ve ever been to South Africa, South Africa is fucked. [audience laughing]
So you’re double that of South Africa. [chuckling] So, statistically, in the land of the free, you have the least amount of free people. [audience laughing]
Now, this is a super simple one. Super simple argument. In Holland, you can smoke weed whilst fucking a hooker in front of a cop. [audience laughing]
How dare Holland not be called the land of the free? Do you honestly think you’re competing with Holland?
In Canada, just last year, they legalized assisted suicide for the sick, which, I believe, is the biggest freedom of them all. It’s your life. No government, no religious group should ever tell you… [audience cheering and applauding] when you get to check out. If you’re a pro-life person, good. Do it with your life, not mine. Right? – Now… – [audience cheering and applauding]
‘Cause… Also, I don’t think they’ve thought about it. I don’t think there’s even the most evangelical Christian, who’s a burn victim, just hanging on to life support in a hospital, just… [gasping] “I feel so free.”
And I’m so glad they’re doing it in Canada, because if I ever had an assisted suicide, I’d want it to be a Canadian doctor. I want some guy rocking up to my house like, [mock Canadian accent] “Okay. All righty, then… So I hear that someone’s given up on life, eh? All right, let me set up my little death machine here, and I’ll… I’m gonna put this in your vein, and you’re gonna be so sleepy so soon. I tell you what, there.” [audience laughing]
In Australia, maybe 20 years ago, they legalized prostitution. They thought it’d be the downfall of our society, but it wasn’t. It was a great thing. In Sydney, where I grew up, the streets always had hookers walking around, there was needles, and it was a very seedy city in some parts. And then they legalized prostitution. They moved all the hookers into brothels.
And because they moved into brothels, all the girls had to be tested for STDs. And then, the guys, they could see the tests as they go in, so it was safer for the men.
But it was also safer for the women ’cause they put security in these brothels. So if you showed up like a drunk idiot, they wouldn’t let you in. Or if you got aggro, they’d kick you the fuck out. So the girls were safer, the men were safer. Human trafficking was all but eliminated. And tax revenue went up. And the divorce rate dropped by 8%. [audience laughing]
There is no downside to legalized prostitution.
Now, in America, prostitution is illegal… unless you film it. How is that possible? How the fuck is that possible? How do you have the biggest porn industry in the world, and you still have illegal prostitution? Because it is legal to pay a woman for sex, but your friend Dave has to be in the corner with a camera. [audience laughing]
And Dave has to film it. And Dave has to promise to put it on the Internet, ’cause if Dave doesn’t, then a crime has been committed. And that girl can be 18 years old. And then, she can be surrounded by ten men that she barely knows, and they can all jack off onto her face until she’s glazed with come. [audience laughing]
And no crime has been committed. But in America, and only in America, she’s too young to have a beer. If anyone deserves a beer… [audience cheering and applauding] in the land of the free, the home of the brave… it’s the girl with ten loads of come on her face. In fact, if you have ten loads of come on your face, you should get free drinks wherever you go. [audience laughing]
You seem like a fun girl… or a heavy sleeper. [audience laughing]
Now… before I go… [sniffs] Um… My son turned three, and my girlfriend made me write him a letter on his third birthday for him to open when he was 18. I don’t know fucking why.
You know when chicks go, “You need to do this thing”? I’m like, “Why? I have 15 years. Why?” But I did it, you know. So I wrote the letter. And I’m really bad at writing things on paper. I’ve got terrible handwriting. I’m basically illiterate and a fucking…
And so, I’m like, “Dear Hank, so you’re a man now. I’m sure you’ve made me very proud. Unless, of course, you’re a drug addict or something. Come to think of it, there are many ways to disappoint me. Who knows? I might be dead by now. Or you might be dead, and I’m reading this whilst crying.” [audience laughing]
I, um… So, I’m writing the letter, I just… I thought, “Little life tips, things that you should do in life.”
So the next thing I wrote was this. “A wise man once said, ‘Try not to be a cunt.’” [audience cheering] And then, I just gave him little bits of advice like, “If you get a parking ticket, pay it right away. Don’t leave it. It’s a pain in the ass. And always love your mum.”
And I mean this. If my son’s watching this at 18 right now, watching me perform… No person has ever loved you more than your mother loves you, so you always be good to that woman. – And then… – [audience cheering and applauding]
And then, I wrote about… I just thought I’d tell him about the good and bad things in my life, and the things I did well and didn’t do well. And I’ve been very open about this, and I feel like by being open about this, it helps others. I don’t know, but I’ve always…
Fairly severe depression my whole life. Suicidal at times. And, it’s a very selfish thing, depression, because I know my life’s good and I can’t wrap my brain around it. I just… I don’t…
Right now, my brain’s going, “Maybe this special isn’t as good as the last one.” And so, I’ve never really enjoyed success. I’ve never really had pure happiness like some people do. [stutters]
I’m such a pessimist. When you meet these people who go, “You’re such a glass-half-empty sort of guy.” I’m like, “These glass-half-full cunts, fuck them.” [audience laughing]
You know what I mean? I’ve never met a successful glass-half-full cunt. You’ll never be anything if you think the glass is half full. If you want to get ahead, walk in the room and go, “Why isn’t that fucking glass full?”
Anyway, so I thought about what would make me happy, what would’ve made me happy, what makes other people happy. And so I wrote to him, I said, “I think the secret to happiness is this. The secret to happiness… is being good-looking. [audience laughing]
Now, throughout your life, people will lie to you and say things like ‘kindness,’ or ‘being good to others,’ or ‘family’ or some shit.” [audience laughing]
The only way to truly be happy in this world is to be good-looking. Now, in this world, we have everything from one, being the ugliest person on Earth, to ten, being the best-looking person on Earth, and we have everything in between. And there’s very few ones, very few twos, and very few threes. And four, five, six is the meat of the bell curve. That’s where 95% of the population is average-looking. Four, five, six, and seven, eight, nine, ten. Now… I’ve been looking out at the audience here. [audience laughing]
Uh… Pretty good. Like… I’ve spotted an eight. Or what they call an LA six. – I… – [audience laughing]
But, uh… I spotted an eight. That’s pretty good in Nashville, man. Don’t be offended. Tens are super rare. There’s never been a ten in my audience, ever. I don’t think tens come to things like this. I think tens are sitting at home with other tens going, “I’m so happy.” – Eh? – [audience laughing]
And nines are as rare as tens, almost. A nine is just an imperfect ten. A nine is like a ten with a fucked-up toe. [audience laughing]
So, an eight’s pretty good. Now, regrettably… – there is a two in the audience. – [audience laughing]
Now, I’m not gonna point you out. – You know who you are. – [audience laughing]
There are no ones. Ones are as rare as tens. I’ve seen about five ones in my life. They… Ones don’t really leave the house. They… – they know they upset the rest of us. – [audience laughing]
The only time you catch a one is they’re going to a doctor’s appointment or something. And it really is upsetting. You walk by, they’re normally being lifted out of a minivan with a special crane onto a special chair.
And when you see a one, it does ruin your day, doesn’t it? You walk by the one and you’re like, “Oh, fuck me. Oh, that’s a fucking one if ever I’ve seen one.”
You get to work and you can’t focus, and your boss is like, “What’s wrong?” And you’re like, “I saw a fucking one, didn’t I?”
And they’re like, “Oh, it couldn’t have been that…”
“It was that bad! You weren’t there! This is bullshit! I was gonna eat today.”
Now, in case anyone’s wondering… and I know you’re not… I’m a five. The reason I know I’m a five is ’cause, as I said, 95% of the population is four, five, six, an average-looking human being.
Now, the reason I know I’m a five is this. When I walk past people, nothing happens. [audience laughing]
People don’t get upset, nor do they get disappointed. We all move on with our lives. I have hair. But it’s shit hair. Five! I have teeth. They’re a little yellow. They’re a little crooked. But they’re all there! – Five! – [audience laughing]
I have eyes. They do not sparkle. – But they do face in the same direction. – [audience laughing]
And because I’m a five, that means society has deemed it okay for me and other fives to get into dimly-lit rooms… and we can fuck each other. And no one gets upset. They’re like, “Oh, it’s a couple of fives fucking. Let them have their fun.” And we get in there with our average five bodies, like just…
My little gut resting on her fucking imperfect floppy ass, and we’re just fucking. We’re sweating on each other ’cause neither of us work out. Just grabbing onto an average tit, like… [groaning] And the two of us are thinking about, a seven that we know that we actually want to fuck.
I’m like, “Maybe if she gets depressed or something, I could swoop in there. That would be…”
‘Cause us fives, we do not think about the nines and the tens – because we dare not touch the sun. – [audience laughing]
Now… I’m a minor celebrity, so that means I get to fuck sixes. I fuck the shit out of sixes. People go, “He’s off the telly. He can fuck a six.”
Fucked some sevens? Yeah, I fucked some sevens. Couple of eights. One nine! Best day ever. I fucked a nine.
Now… I’m also a drinker. So… I have fucked some fours… [audience laughing]
a shitload of threes… and one two.
And when I fucked the two, that was the lowest point in my life. [chuckling] I gave up drinking for 18 months after I fucked the two.
That’s how important it is to be good-looking. I fucked a two and my whole self-esteem was ruined… Oh, wait, I remember when I fucked the two, I woke up in the… Hey, hang on.
I’m still writing the letter to my son, by the way. [audience laughing]
So, I remember when I fucked the two, Hank. And I woke up… next to her. And I rolled over… I was hungover, like, “Oh, what happened?” And then I saw her and went, “Oh, no! Fuck this!” And then…
And I went into the fetal position. I started… [groaning]
“It’s a fucking two. That’s a two. That’s a two.”
Everybody in this world likes to think they’re a good person. Not all of us are good people. We all think we’re a good person. And so my brain did this. “Come on, Jim. You’re better than this. Maybe if you talk to it. [audience laughing]
Maybe you’ll find out the thing has dreams or feelings. Give that a go.” So I rolled over with the best of intentions, like, “Hey, do you… Oh, no! Fuck off! No way, man.” And she tried to comfort me with her claw, just… [audience laughing]
I’ll never forget the two. But it’s been so long now that I can laugh about it. I do laugh about it. I was in my car, remembering how the two was the worst thing that happened to me. And I was like this… [laughs]
“Oh, you fucked a two. Classic Jim Jefferies. When will you ever learn?” And I was sitting in the car… and I was thinking about how fucking the two… was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life.
And then my brain did a horrible thing. My brain went… “That’s how the nine felt when she woke up next to you.” [audience laughing]
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. – [audience cheering] – Appreciate it. [chuckling] We’ll see you later. [rock music playing]